Portland Apothecary Lab
Draft C
Distillation State
Ganavya Doraiswamy

1.

kind eyes,
Spirit of once leather and now stone,
He who has the thickest of skins,
has agreed to to receive your worries
with the gentlest of smiles.

whisper what-you-wish-to-say-but-cannot-yet into these ears:

(the message will transcend time and be heard in the realm above the sky,
sink into the laps of Mother Earth and be heard in where root touches stone)

there it will live, remembering for you this utterance
ready to be called into you when you so choose

these ears will deliver the message in its purest form to they-you-cannot-be-heard-by-yet;
the astral trickle that will break the dam

2.

(a)
ancient tree of life, living above this world
inside our hearts
there sits every soul that has wished us well
hundreds of thousands of benevolent, wise beings,
forever standing by your side
past, present, future—
no matter the pace of the world, gift you this: one breath.
unrushed
turn the eye inward, breath in once
when you exhale they will appear,
you are never alone
with every utterance more will appear

(b)
when rehearsing this always-yet-never-happening conversation,
always make it end good.

3.

I carry a bag of symbols,
tokens from my many worlds.
every time I bump into another being,
I bring one gift out from my bag.

as we reach into our bag of symbols, the hand trembles—
what if the gift is felt by hands, but invisible to the eyes?
Ancestors say:
jump into a future where it is seen,
there you will find them learning to see with their hands, too
bring that future back here, and watch it unfurl.

4.

fingers and thought, old friends
dancing partners since infanthood
when one trips, the other can help bring balance to both.

fingers and thought, old friends
forever dancing together
thought was tired. fingers said:
let me help carry you today

Instruction: see how your fingers act as an extension of your thought. Observe when difficult thoughts patterns happen. Ask your fingers to dance differently with the thought pattern if it were to appear again.

5.

fingers and thought, oldest of friends
thought asked fingers: take a picture of this sunny day for me,
bring it out when it rains heavily.

Instruction: when calm and warm, smile and draw a circle on your thumbs with your index fingers three times clockwise. When in need of this warmth, draw the circles again in the other direction. Smile.

6.

Old Spirit smiles, already has the letter you are yet-to-write;
There exists in each being hundreds of thousands of beings,
Old Spirit says. It will take time to deliver it to every single one, so I will help you.
I will reach into the past and future, and take care of all the ones there,
when you are ready,
I will leave just the present one for you

Portland Apothecary Lab
Draft B
Stories, Thoughts, Collections,
pre-distillation state
Ganavya Doraiswamy

1. On whispering into the ears of Nandi.

The word vāhana does not have an easy translation; some translate it to vehicle, that which carries, and others translate it to familiar spirits (à la medieval folklore). The old Indian Gods have familiars; animal-beings upon— or with— whom they travel. Lord Ganesha’s vāhana is a mouse; to show us that even the largest of weights can be carried by the smallest of beings, when there is an understanding between the two, that no weight is too heavy to carry; that no being is too small to carry the weight of the world.

In this way, Lord Shiva— Father Spirit’s—vāhana is Nandi the bull. The name Nandi in Tamil means to grow, or to appear, or to make apparent from the previously inapparent— in Sanskrit, it means joy. I bring these two etymologies up to say, somewhere in the world, the act of making the inapparent apparent has become synonymous with joy. May it, then, be no surprise that when visiting the old temples of Father Spirit, known for his capacity to travel far away from our realms of understanding and communication when in his meditations, devotees whisper the hopes they are afraid to speak directly to Lord Shiva about into Nandi’s ears.

Here, we find two models: (a) Consider that you do not always have to utter something directly to the source to be heard and for change to be affected, and (b) Practice the act of making the inapparent apparent in sacred, trusted environments; when the time comes, may the muscle of expression be well-practiced so that it moves with the precise intention and strength you meant for it to; not too much, not too little. And lastly, a possibly radical thought in a world centered around trackable productivity and commodified expression: you do not have to have difficult conversations alone. You don’t even have to utter it directly to the person that you are not sure is ready to receive you in the state you are. But, utter your truths somewhere nonetheless. It can be in the ear of a divine vāhana, it can be into your fingers, it can be in a letter you will never send; but when these truths are uttered nonetheless, the Spirit that lives in every space receives it.

Further analogous study: the practice of hoʻoponopono, a Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness.


2. Jewel Tree.

Before moving to back the States from the country of my aunts, my elder cousin offered gently: “when in scary places, in scary rooms, I want you to remember that all the women who raised you— we are always standing right by your side. Speak the truths that need to be spoken, knowing that we will never leave your side. Even after death, we will never leave your side.” This was my first introduction to the Jewel Tree: a place inside your heart where you enter into the heavens to see the innumerable ancestors, elders, friends, guides, brothers, sisters, and children who have, continue to, and will always guide you towards liberation for all.

Hyperarousal syndrome (commonly referred to as the flight or fight response) has certain traits: for instance, content specificity, where you compulsively focus on and replay the content that threatened the peace of your system, resulting in the perception of negative stimuli when the reality is, in fact, ambiguous;¹ in other instances, instead of running away, you can compulsively disappear in the moment (for instance, cold-blooded animals camouflaging themselves).

¹ “Specifically, with respect to attentional biases, anxious children show hypervigilance toward threat-related information compared to non-clinical children (Taghavi, Neshat-Doost, Moradi, Yule, & Dalgleish, 1999; Vasey, Daleiden, Williams, & Brown, 1995)” as found in Reid, S.C., Salmon, K. & Lovibond, P.F. Cognitive Biases in Childhood Anxiety, Depression, and Aggression: Are They Pervasive or Specific?. Cogn Ther Res 30, 531–549 (2006). https://doi-org.ezp-prod1.hul.harvard.edu/10.1007/s10608-006-9077-y

The nature of hyperarousal changes when it is not an individual system defending itself against a perceived threat, but a group defending itself [enter citation]. Logically speaking, this should be able to not only extend to the realm of physical threats; it extends to the subtle realms of perceived threats in speech and thought as well. “I want you to remember that all the women who raised you— we are always standing right by your side.” What happens when you are in a difficult conversation, one where you feel scared or unsafe, and you remember that you are never alone? What is the affective version of camouflage, to disappear your own understandings to fit that which is around you in a conversation where you feel threatened? This camouflaging happens in the pre-agentic level of the mind; it is not an active decision one makes, but a decision that the body-mind makes on your behalf, to protect yourself from a perceived threat. How does one bring back emotional homeostasis? How can we bring agency back into the decision making process in hyperaroused states, slowing it down to the pace of sacred thought?

“The Bodhisattva is in no rush,” says Robert A.F. Thurman in the The Jewel Tree of Tibet: The Enlightenment Engine of Tibetan Buddhism (page 223). In this book, we learn of a thousand year old meditation tradition. Below, are more details, in his words: I learned to look up with my inner eye, the third eye of imagination, which lies in the middle of our foreheads and opens a channel of vision into a subtle realm of reality. In this inner sky revealed by my third eye, I discovered mystical beings, buddhas, bodhisattvas (persons who strive for enlightenment in order to help others on their quest for their highest development), historical lama mentors, angels, deities mild and fierce, and all the saints and teachers and philosophers from all the world's spiritual traditions. I beheld the shining tree of jewels, decked with living jewel beings. I recognized the jewel tree as the world tree, Yggdrasil, the great ash tree extending over the entire earth, growing from the well of wisdom, where Odin, the highest god, had to cast one eye as sacrifice in order to receive the eye of wisdom from the goddess of the tree. The jewel tree is the tree of life, the tree of wisdom, and it is also the giant fig tree under which the Buddha attained perfect enlightenment, the bodhi tree. It grows from earth to heaven and is filled with the wish-granting jewels that make up the family of living mentors who have reached immortal life and can share their bliss with you, protect you, bless you, and help you open up your own inner doorway to peace and fulfillment. The jewel tree opens its loving embrace to everyone and promotes happiness — which is our natural state and birthright.

Since that time when I began to enjoy the luminous shelter of the jewel tree of Tibet, I have studied and meditated year after year. I went on to become a monk; I learned more and more advanced teachings, tried to put them into practice, and seemed to succeed with insight after insight. But then I began to realize that last week's insight was superseded by the next one. For a while, all I wanted was to stay in my Buddhist community of seekers of enlightenment, to be embraced as a monk. My inner life was rich, full of insights and delightful visions, with a sense of luck and privilege at having access to such great teachers and teachings and the time to study and try to realize them. Eventually, I realized that there was more I needed to learn from the world, from engagement with others, from developing compassion in my interactions rather than the solitary quest of wisdom. So I resigned as a monk and reentered the university, determined to find a way to continue to study while engaging more actively with others.

As I have grown older and become less sure about everything — and even confused and discouraged when my inherited negative personality traits reemerge in the heat of relationships — I have repeatedly turned back to the beginning of my studies of the jewel tree. I regularly rest under the jewel tree and reflect on the steps it provides us to enlightenment, freedom, and happiness. A golden ladder from earth to heaven, the great jewel tree is an inner space for a retreat, a spiritual vacation, a refreshment and recharging that comes from stepping back from our emotions and habitual perspectives — even for a few moments. You can spend minutes under the jewel tree or you can spend entire days or weeks, depending on the time you can afford to take. Sometimes it helps to meditate with others on the jewel tree, since your thoughts will become amplified and intensified by the resonance of one living mind with another.

Whenever I conduct a retreat, I try to remember that the main person who needs the retreat is myself. The person who most needs to learn what I say, even though I may be saying it, is me. So, therefore, I'm very thankful that you're joining me in your reading of this text and on this quest. I don't pretend to be a great teacher, but I do claim that this, the wish-granting jewel tree of Tibet, is a great teaching.

The psychological phenomenon of inner-speak, of these hypothetical conversations, is called “rehearsing.” Psychologist Dr. Dervla Loughnane² says that “there’s actually science behind why you do it. ‘When an issue or person is important to us, we can be prone to overthinking. Sometimes in the heat of an argument, our emotions can cause us to lose our ability to think rationally … By rehearsing conversations we’re trying to get our needs met. If we are not good at assertive communication, sometimes rehearsing conversations can be a way of becoming more confident when approaching difficult chats,’” but that ultimately, “rehearsing or replaying conflict is actually not effective.” When rehearsing, is the inner monologue always ending in conflict, or does it end with resolution? Are you practicing conflict, or resolution? If you are unable to practice resolution yet, what can be some methodologies that can help change the nature of this inner monologue?

² https://www.mhinnovation.net/profile/dervla-loughnane

In short, the Jewel Tree meditation offers what my cousin had offered long time ago: when in a difficult conversation, remember that you are forever being guided and held by ancestors, friends, siblings, well-wishers, and Spirits from the past, present, and future— even in moments when one feels abandoned by all relations, to remember that these traditions hold sacred the ideology that elders in the Jewel Tree are forever smiling down on you, whether or not you are able to sense their support. Observe how your reactions to things change when you embrace the thought that you will never be abounded by these spirits. Are you able to express more easily? Are you able to imagine the person receiving your communication to be a kinder person? Are you able to speak from a different register? Does your voice change, in your own imaginations of these conversations, when you do not feel the possible violence that follows unkind abandonment? If the register that you speak from does change, does it also change how the person reacts, in the simulations that the psyche is capable of running, in preparation for difficult conversations?


3. On role responsiveness.

In psychology, Joseph Sandler first used this term to describe the relationship between a therapist and their patient, stating that the patient’s ability to ascribe hopes and a specific character or role upon their therapist could, in turn, shape the therapist’s behavior.

Since then, the term has come to refer not only to the dynamic between a therapist and their patient, but in all relational dynamics; it posits a possibility that even if not communicated, someone’s expectation (or “perception of role”) of you will shape the capacity with which you show up to the space.

In the Vimalakīrti Nirdeśa Sūtra, there is a story of Šāriputra, an arrogant student of Buddha who is unable to accept Vimalakirti, a merchant and common man, to be an enlightened teacher. When visiting Vimalakirti once, Sariputra silently thinks to himself that a chair would relieve his standing legs. In response, the enlightened Vimalakirti summons chairs from a universe much larger in scale to theirs.³ Here, in this nearly 2,000 year old Buddhist scripture, I find another analogous commentary on the nature of the affective matrix and role responsiveness:

³ Thurman, Robert. 1976. The Holy Teaching of Vimalakīrti: A Mahāyāna Scripture. University Park: Penn State University Press.


8. on the invitation to the simhāsanā

There’s an image that surfaces often in Dunhuang: innumerable chairs flying into Vimalakīrti’s house.

Chairs? Simhāsanā-s.*

They are thrones summoned from Merupradīparāja’s universe, measuring 6,800,000 leagues in height. The house magically expands to fit these cosmic chairs. Vimalakīrti proceeds to offer these seats to all.

Enlightened bodhisattva-s expand their bodies to become 4,200,000 leagues tall to sit comfortably. Vimalakīrti gently teaches beginner spirits how to expand themselves, so they can complement the chair.

You could describe every collaborator in terms of the size of the chair they think you warrant. For some, you must shrink. For others, you will grow.<sup>4

4</sup> Doraiswamy, Ganavya. 2021. “shards of ether.” Arcana IX: Musicians on Music. Edited by John Zorn. New York: Tzadik Press. pgs 74-139.

Role responsiveness suggests that when we enter a room, we are affected by our understanding of what the expectation of us is, and that this is a simple and primal operation that is woven into practices of survivability and sustainability. Role responsiveness (a) at its worst can become fear-based compulsive reactionary communication and (b) at its best, it can be a form of compassion. To expand on them, (a) can present itself as a scenario where upon entering a room where you feel unsafe, you externally agree with the actions of those in the room even though you are deeply at odds with it, and (b) can present itself as seeing that a child is asking for care even if unable to verbalize it, and fulfilling the role that it hopes you will fulfill. Role responsiveness, like the affective matrix, exists on a subtle realm and is not meant to be effable for the purposes of our discussion; yet it merits discussion, as it is a seemingly common and pervasive human phenomenon. The same principle discussed earlier in meditations such as the Jewel Tree’s ability to shift the nature of rehearsing can be applied to thoughts on the matter of role responsiveness. One possible visualization of the understanding of role responsiveness is as follows:

This model depends on the theory that even when not expressed in the verbal realm, our ability to understand each other’s expectations is infallible. Given that intent can be distorted even when expressed in tangibly located means— in symbols by way of the many different languages of expression, speech and otherwise— that this theory depends wholly on this ability to understand what is not said allows for space to reimagine a healthier future.


4. On Acting Hands: The Implications of Hand Gestures in the Somatic Emotional Process of Formative Psychology by Dr. Peter Löliger.

Abstract of article, in author’s own words:

A central concern in Formative Psychology is how to create a personal life out of nonvolitional prepersonal behavioral patterns. This first involves the recognition of the spontaneous somatic-emotional patterns of reaction to internal or external stimuli and then holding and deliberately mimicking these forms. By voluntarily applying muscular effort of gradual and distinct intensity, we take the inherited patterns and create personally modelled [sic] forms. The work with hand gestures plays a key role in this process. The particularly fine motor skill of the hands enables us, in measured steps, to form and differentiate preexisting behavioral patterns in the whole body. The following article describes developmental, neurophysiological and psychological aspects of hand gestures and demonstrates their implications in the process of Formative Psychology.

This article first recounts a history of hand gestures, stating that “Brain research views human learning as an active, mostly unconscious and preverbal processing of perception and experience produced by muscular-motor activities (behavioral patterns). Hands play the role of pacemaker for these behavioral patterns. Learning from a phylogenetic perspective could only take place through a close coupling of hand and brain development. The relationship between hand and brain is an interplay in which each is dependent upon the other” (44).

The article discusses mimicking, positing that the body learns movement by mimicking, and this movement is the basics of somatic-emotional learning. It speaks of the various spheres that kinesthetic experience affects other sense-understandings in the human experience. Finally, it says that “Working with gestures through mental imagination activates the same neuromuscular mechanisms as do memories, feelings or active motor processes. Mental imagination activates neuromuscular patterns and neuromuscular patterns activate mental imagination.”

In the section titled “Practice,” the article further expounds:

Hand gestures precede cognitive understanding and actually organize it as well. The acquisition of speech occurs through grasping the world. Hand gestures are the first means of verbal communication … The first type of hand exploration is self-exploration (hand in the mouth, touching other body parts). The first object of examination is one’s own body. In adulthood, hand gestures provide central access to self-regulation. They also enable differentiation and transformation of existing action patterns as we shall see in the following stories.

The author recounts nine cases:

a. A female patient with a history of sexual trauma finds herself reacting with twitchy hand movements constantly; by observing and disrupting the pattern with a different, intentional movement, her brain also begins to respond in a similarly controlled, intentional way;

b. Female patient with 20 years of anorexia and bulimia “sits across from [the authord] while making tense, narrowing hand movements as if she was pushing something away from herself,” when speaking about a partner she has been indecisive about for many years; through observing and intentionally changing the compulsive pattern, she begins to be able to imagine a future and eventually marries her partner;

c. “A constantly changing pattern of hand gestures are keeping a man with a long history of drug abuse from experiencing selfcontact—a means of permanent escape. By slowing down the sequences of the gestures, he is able to identify an individual gesture and relate it to a general pattern. This helps him to make the first steps towards a more consistent relationship with himself;” (direct quote)

d. A young woman’s father, who was schizophrenic, has been a cause of many violent attacks; she “forms firmness and cohesion in a rigid and stiff external shape as a way to manage her inner chaos,” and when speaking has “stiff weapon-like gestures.” She instead begins to remember and move her hands as she did when riding her horse when speaking, which in turns changes her communication patterns;

e. “Gestures are visible expressions of a person’s inner movement and can be accompanied by shame. However, because the hand gestures are events that take place far from the center of the body, a certain distance is established. For a young man with intense shame reactions, working with hand gestures makes it possible for self-movement visible from the outside” (direct quote);

f. “A schizophrenic artist experiences his painting as a way to form a shell and as a way to center himself,” by observing the movements he uses to achieve this, he is able to bring this out in the world and “is even capable of maintaining his boundaries outside of his artist’s studio;”

g. Voluntarily formed gestures with a tightly closed form (a fist) enable a patient with chronic paranoia to become familiar with his spastically stiff body wall and how he uses his body as a means of protection against outside threats. Experiencing the mobility of his stiffness through gradations of intensity of his fist allows changes in his perception of the threat. This helps him to influence the amount of threat through voices. For the client, this is a first experience of the possibility of shaping a mainly subcortical process. This initiates the growth of self-confidence. He is no longer completely at the mercy of foreign and unpredictable forces;” (direct quote)

h. A client with “chronically inflamed large intestines … confronts unavoidably uncomfortable situations by making a pushing away gesture with inwardly flexed hands. This strong narrowness places her under additional pressure. By exploring a variation of this pushing towards the outside—a pushing with the back of her hands, she experiences a completely new strength in this expansive gesture which, in turn, becomes key to indirectly influencing her spastic colon;”

i. And finally, the case we spoke of in the lab: A female client with an ectomorphic constitution suffers every morning from panic attacks caused by dissociative episodes. “Recognizing the large right-left differences in her organism, [the author led] her through hand gesture exercises: ‘One hand holds the other.’ In this manner, she initiates a dialogue between her two body halves, which enables her to gradually bring the two separated halves closer together. This process of growing coherence enables her to limit her panic attacks.”

A possible methodology to utilize this learning is:

a. Observe if there are any compulsive hand movements, either through selfawareness or by asking a trusted observer;

b. Begin to notice when that behavior is happening;

c. Replace that hand gesture with something else that signifies the healthier reaction you hope for;

d. See if the brain follows the hand’s disruption of previously compulsive thought-pattern.

5. On Reverse engineering state and context dependent learning

The theories of state-dependent memory or learning and context-dependent memory suggest that our ability to recall something is greatly increased when we once again are in the same state we were when first meeting the stimuli we are attempting to recall. For instance, women who are sexually assaulted when intoxicated and cannot remember the details of the assault are able to remember it when once more intoxicated;⁵ mice were taught something when under the influence of morphine but could not recall it when sober— once put under the influence again, the mice were able to remember once more.<sup>6

5</sup> Jaffe, Anna E.; Blayney, Jessica A.; Bedard-Gilligan, Michele; Kaysen, Debra. 2019. "Are trauma memories state-dependent? Intrusive memories following alcohol-involved sexual assault". European Journal of Psychotraumatology. 10 (1): 1634939. doi: 10.1080/20008198.2019.1634939.

⁶ Zarrindast, M.R.; Rezayof, A. 2004. “Morphine state-dependent learning: sensitization and interaction with dopamine receptors.” European Journal of Pharmacology, 497(2), 197–204.

Most striking of them all is the theory that state-dependent learning is what makes is hard for those who are depressed to come out of depression; in a state of depression, they are unable to remember what thought-patterns they could when happy, only furthering the belief that this is the only state of being they can access, greatly exacerbating the difficult state of mind.7

7Roediger, Henry. 1989. “Varieties of memory and consciousness : essays in honour of Endel Tulving. N.J.: L. Erlbaum Associates. pp. 339–341.

We may reverse engineer this process by placing a somatic marker during a state of mind that is agreeable: by identifying and creating a gesture (such as drawing circles on one’s thumbs with one’s index fingers) when meditating, or in a joyful moment, and reproducing this somatic marker when one is in a painful or difficult state. This may act as a way of remembering with the body what the mind may not be able to independently, that there was a state once where clarity was more in grasp.


5. On Egbe, Spirit Family

In the words of Babalawo Owolabi Aworeni,

The Egbe Orun are spirit companions. Every person enjoys the company of these companions in the heavens before they come to earth. When a person comes from heaven, there are many groups that they may be associated with … A person's destiny on earth is already determined before they leave the heavens. The spirit has already made an arrangement with [these] powers that be … If the agreement was broken while on earth an individual will experience problems.

The tradition allows for the act of praying to the Egbe, those who are still in Spirit realms, to mediate the issue between the human self and the human form that an Egbe Spirit has in this realm; through this prayer, what may be felt as deeply difficult, unhealthy and/or impossible patterns of communication may be changed.

Similarly, in Autobiography of a Yogi (1946), Paramahansa Yogananda, a Kriya Yoga master, speaks of many instances where his teachers travel across realms to speak to or on behalf of their students to keep them from harm’s way.

The suggestion that we do not have to speak in this realm for all things to be communicated brings us back to a full circle with the first collection of thoughts posited here, on whispering into the ears of Nandi and hoʻoponopono; the primary difference being that in this model, we do not need to articulate the hope or clarity ourselves, but instead offer it for resolution at the feet of Spirits who are in and past this realm, asking for their guidance in mediation.